## Professor Richard Spine

Hello, I’m Professor Richard Spine and I would firstly like to thank Cleo and Andy Palmer for asking the wonderful Wonky eBooks for saying ‘certainly’ when asked if they would accept this article from me for Nuddybongo, the world’s best online magazine. They said that my creation would sit in perfectly with their ‘practice’.

I run the maths department in the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, which is a very serious department indeed and so there aren’t many smiles around and no one in here tells jokes. Accountants are the same, as are scientists ... the left brained club (our fun is logic i.e. logic is our fun and there’s nothing more logic than maths).

All of the people in the department, if not single or married to mathematicians, are in troubled relationships, or totally broken relationships. That’s maybe because a proper relationship should contain a lot of fun and laughter and of course six, oops sorry! SEX. Our fun though is writing out complicated equations on a large chalk boards trying to solve stuff which would baffle the bloke in the auto wheelchair. This doesn’t go down well if we are dating someone and they are looking for non-Spock conversation.

In the bedroom when we male mathematicians are in the middle of the sex act, we will suddenly think, for example ‘what is the area covered if an upward movement equals V and a downward movement covers a distance which is two times P (P being the top of the curved bum half-sphere) squared times pi, what is the total area covered?

Doing such equations takes the mind off sex and the erotic genre-type thoughts the mind produces and the mathematician must leave the bedroom to go into the study to work the equation out and file the answer in a tattered notebook. This is disastrous when one of the pair isn’t a mathematician i.e. a porn star (porn stars are regularly partnered for a while with mathematicians which is why off camera they look pissed off after marital sex-plus-love). However, when it’s two mathematicians, at least each one knows why the other leaves the bedroom, so in such circumstances it is forgivable.Here’s a fun exam question:

1: What is the area of rubber used by mathematicians who never get to use a condom for the purpose it was created?

2: Is the number in feet or metres? Whichever ... multiply it by seven point four, square it, times it by two point four times pi on the hypotenuse, times P to the power of 6 ... is the answer odd or even?

If you can answer correctly, you won’t even be able to get an application form for University Challenge, as the entertainment part of the programme features genius students who know naff-all.

Now then, I Professor of advanced mathematics Richard Spine admit, that I would love regular sex right to the mind blowing finish line with my miserable looking wife who is an ex porn star who now teaches art. This has inspired me to create two projects for myself which I do in private in my designer garden shed. The first one was a calculus equation which explains why porn stars are attracted to mathematicians. That one is still ongoing (which is a bit of an oxymoron I know), but the second one has saved my marriage. You would think that a person who is married or partnered with a PS would have a whale of a time in the bedroom, but maths people just can’t seem to get into the land of ooo la, laaa with the mind, there was/is something missing. Well, I have found the missing bit.

Some couples read porn before porning it themselves. Give a mathematician a porn mag and they work out the area of the page and the curved space ratio of the womans’ breasts for aeroplane wing design. So, I thought what sort of mental imagery would do it for a mathematician? What should he or she read to get into the loving frame of mind while the partner is reading a German hard core horny mag from www.pornsquadconfiscations.com? (plain brown stamped addressed envelope + £150.00 cheque).This is what I came up with.

RED HOT HARD CORE PORN MATHS, VOLUME ONE.

Scenes ... imagine these as movies in your mind.

1: Stick it in me at thirty degrees, trigonometry.

2: Love triangle (screen divides into three trigo-merotic perspectives).

3: Oral algebra, featuring maths porn superstar G-Spott Longtongue.

4: Plus and minus theory deep thought; throat.

5: Pi hi on poppers and multiplication get it on.

6: Calculust.

7: A Pythagoras threeorysome.

8: Ten times a night with Horny the lumberjack i.e. log-a-rhythm.

9: The Twelve Times Tables (quite exhausting to watch if you’re into wooden tables).

Black text on white and white on black (the black on white being best for e readers).

Try maths porn with black and you’ll never go back.

RED HOT HARD CORE PORN MATHS VOLUME 2

Scenes

1: X and Y meet at right angles.

(Graphic scenes)

2: Spread your sheets.

3: Zero fulfilment ... the story of 0.

4: Sexy odd number ... short animated film starring 69.

5: Relativity incest. Equations get together.

Starring E and MC squared

6: I got turned down by a German prostitute, starring 9 (this is an instructional math-wank film, made by Ada Wankinstead, who also made the horror sex film, Wankinstein).

7: For big boob fans ... algeBRA LESS fun.

8: One hundred times over with abacus and Horny the logarythm ...

very base.

9: Times tables multiply (advertising feature for for failed contraception).

10: Rear end special ... Pi arse squared.

11: First time bum displacement ... starring Eureka!

12: The man who has everything, starring the King of maths porn ... Cal (vin) Culator.

Now you’re supposed to hug and kiss in heartfelt grateful thanks before you go to sleeppmmmzzzzzzzzz

***

But that’s not all.

As a logical mathematician, I cannot believe in a God who sits, angry and pissed off on a throne in outer space, but I have heard the religious people who do believe, have the same problem as mathematicians i.e. they keep jumping out of bed to go to the study to beg for forgiveness for touching ‘not allowed to touch’ parts of the other person’s body.

So, I stretched my ‘invention’ a little to cater for these unfortunate people (you have to wonder how there are so many Christians and Catholics knocking around with this problem).

EDEN’S LAUGHING SERPENT PRODUCTIONS PRESENT:

RED HOT HARDCORE RELIGIOUS MATHEMATICIAN’S PORN

A lovely family day in Eden

It is thought by logical people that if the world started to be populate by Adam and Eve, who had two sons called Kane and Abel ... how did the rest of us eventually appear? Hmmmm? The Biblical answer is ... ‘there were others too’ ... so, when Abel left the garden did he meet others wh .... never mind.

1: Eve and Abel on the kitchen table (very poetic porn).

2: Kane is as stiff as a cane, and Abel is too

3: Adam is the voyeur in ... Early Morning Son up (in 2 parts). And Early Morning Rising Double Sonrise

4: Stripped, whipped, then pipped by Kane

5: Eve’s fab evening in front of the TV i.e. Adam dresses up ... and a kinky foursome then ensues

6: Adam and sons, Plumbers. Includes ‘How to plug three holes at once, and the award winning, Keeping mum about it

7: Eve swallows a serpent, several different ways