WONKY eBOOKS

 

Before you scroll down to the ebook shop,

do you fancy a QUICK FLASH?

( A Quick Flash is a short, short story. Maybe you could read it on the way to work? )

Quick Flash Believable Bizarro stories

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Linda Barnett-Johnson commented on your blog post "Where do you get ideas? A 
tested answer." on Book Town (Feb 2015)
------------
'What an imagination! I assume that you write humor books. If not, you sure 
should. You are a gifted writer and I laughed several times. It's really nice to 
know you. I'm still shaking my head and smirking.' 
------------ 

Frankie

I'm writing you back earlier tonight as when I started this message it was only 2:30 AM in Chicago so I am a half hour ahead of schedule. How's that for progress. Thank you for your response. I had a chance to sample some of your writing and I'm glad I did. You are an incredibly talented, funny and prolific writer - from my experience a rare combination. I wish I had a project to "plug you into" but unfortunately I don't at the present. However, now that I have been exposed to your unique style of writing, I can pass your work along as applicable and as appropriate. Thanks again for the reading enjoyment. Write on!

Jeffrey Doman - 9:41am Nov 20

 

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Back to contents page

If you are using a mobile phone browse the sections but please use other media to download zip files.

EROTICA
IRREVERENCE
CHOCOLATES & FLOWERS
CHILDRENS
THE HEALING PROCESS
DISTURBANCE

 

Book Reveiws:

Give Samira a wad of cash... and look what she says:

'Lool, your writing is sooooo good! I'm going to read your books because you are what we all should be like. As far as the wellbeing stuff goes, I am going to try that heart technique and I hope it helps. I'm such a tense over thinker and I always mess up auditions because I think I'm not good enough or I completely go into this weird world where its just nothing.
Thank you for your wonderful words.
In the buy one get one free  story, the offer baffles me because whenever you do get it, the majority of the time you end up wasting it because you don't need it!
Loool funny and yes I will read your books, the Well being section might help me become a more relaxed, peaceful happy person.'

Yours

Samira

Frankie Lassut- People's Writer

'Hiya, I'm on my way out the door, bah humbug bloody Christmas. The book was great, made me smile. It was just like you talking! I'll have a look at the website and write properly when I get back in.'

A friend.

 

This section is

AMUSEMENT

The Lily Dreamscapes

 

I once dated an extremely good psychic. In her house she would sometimes say ‘there’s someone standing right behind you’... meaning a spirit. That was amusing, but I kept my wallet in my jacket just in case. She also read tea leaves, which she showed me how to do; it’s very interesting. She was/is also a very good dream analyst, and tried to show me how to do that but, I had no natural ability. But years later I met Lily who has these ‘interesting’ dreams. I suggested we co-create, i.e. she makes notes of her dream and then I’ll write a story based on it. It seemed like a good idea and it’s an aspect of the world of dreaming which I ‘can’ do.

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The Darling Buds of June

 

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that this is a story based in Shakespeare’s time, it isn’t.; there have been enough of those to render the subject borinnngggzzzzzzzz!
This ‘fiasco’ is modern day, about some trouble caused by Shakespeare. Think of it metaphorically, as someone’s hair, sitting for a portrait painter. The hair is ok, which will be the bulk of the story, but the hair only stands out because of the painted in highlights. There again, the highlights aren’t even Shakey, they’re provided by his muse, a living breathing one (not now though, that muse, like Shakey, is long dead). Enjoy.

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Having Fun Loving

 Two little love stories. Both are based on the emotional scale. Both are written about as un-Mills and Boon as is possible. The first is a fun adventure look at what might happen to those who have been broken hearted;dumped maybe? ’ The second, The Binman ... well men would be advised not to let their wives, partners, girlfriends, mistresses etc read it, you have been warned.

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The Secret Life of Hospital Food

 

*This book, because it contains some wellbeing ‘stuff’, is actually for sale in the wellbeing section. We didn’t think that people who visit the humour section, if they have no interest in wellbeing, would like to buy something containing, for instance, information on the ‘inner being’ and other such mumbo jumbo. We wouldn’t like to be seen taking money for something you didn’t want.*

Here's the write up anyway ...

Have a stroke, it’s easy when you know how . Sit in a bed on a hospital ward and decide whether you should be angry or downhearted or feel blessed. Sit there for hours on end with only a wall and other almost completely stroke-disabled patients to look at. Feel the shift into an almost carnival atmosphere as the drugs trolley comes around and the yummy tummy feeling as the meals are served. Forget sleep as you get better (IF you get better) ... or, you can take charge of thought and tame your bad feeling, bored, despairing mind.

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Dragons' 'DEN'

 

Dennis Brown is man whose mind’s connection to the Universe is a bit too good for this world. He’s a fish out of water. He’s lovely and helpful and wants a good life for himself and those close to him and the only way he sees of producing that personal scenario is through his brilliant inventing and innovation. He has some friends who are also a little strange, by which I mean good old standard compliant ‘normal’, as opposed to mad cap creatively ... erm, ‘OTT’ might be the wrong phrase. Don’t worry (never worry), there is nothing in our reality which hasn’t been through energetic stringent tests in the Universe’s own checkpoint labs. The checkers in these labs don’t miss a trick. Some of the things and activities that come out may seem a little dodgy, (news reporters and readers need work too, they have bills) but, as long as wee keep our noses out of other peoples business ...we’ll be OK. Won’t we?

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Rhyme Pitstop

MIDNIGHT DRAWERS

One quiet night, at twelve o clock, I heard a noise in my set of drawers
I thought it might be mice
So, I got out my camera to take a natural history shot to send to Chris Packham and Michaela Strachan.
But it was not mice, it was some aliens
I hoped that they were nice.

 

And, upon further midnight investigation,
I found that pleasant they really were,
Cos I’m still here,
And now, of aliens I have no fear

These ones as it happens, who hailed from far, far away
Were friends of Mr Spock’s
‘That’s great!’ I thought and asked them if they would mind erm?... And they said ‘yes’!
And now I’m unique, as I have aliens guarding my boxers and socks

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Title: Mr Paganini

Part1. It’s the author’s birthday! Time for blank chequebook celebration which include, hog roast, champagne and fireworks ... ‘not’.
Someone feels sorry for him and leaves a gift on his step, which will be nice to open at his solo party. The gift though is mega and changes his life.

Part 2 tells of the darker, sinister side of the guitar. You probably won’t believe it, but ... you aren’t supposed to, because ‘they’ don’t want you to know.
Just when you think the sinister side of the guitar may destroy happiness and promote obedience in the world, there is a solution, which is easy to apply. Happiness and rebelliousness in the world may therefore be saved, but only if you do as requested (your very own quest!)
Books don’t get much more exci
ting than this.
Most of all ... enjoy!

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Starting in 1976, until its end in 1993, an event which took place in the agricultural college in Cannington, near Bridgewater, Somerset, stopped ‘local’ aliens from landing there and having a good time ‘researching’, which they had previously enjoyed. This true story is suitable for musicians and music lovers. It isn’t suitable for classical guitarists at all.

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Title: An Egyptian Farewell

This we hope is an entertaining mix of short stories you can use to get yourself smiling at home, or, on a journey (if you’re driving, try reading them at traffic lights, when you are stationary, not when you’re driving, duuuh). If you have as much fun reading them as we had writing and producing them, that will be our mission accomplished. There’s a grain ‘or larger’ of truth in all of them I think, which makes them more interesting. When I found the cutting in the paper for the first story that titles the book, I felt very ‘heart warmed’, because I for one didn’t realise that Egyptian men were so loving and romantic to their women. Get a tissue ready, you may even shed one of those tears of happiness.
If you drive, you may want to make sure you’re a completely empty sort of person before you set out on that journey (that’s a clue for the Joys of Motoring).
PS: Louise goes mobile at weekends, so if you want to book her for a snazzy hairdo, get in touch (I think
she’s suing me).

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Amusing Imagination No1

 

A collection of amusing stories to add more smiles to your already smiley day!

(Contains stories from the unpublished Dry Stone Wall Pyramid now updated)

 

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Looking back, Frankie seems to remember that this funky little piece was a present for Jenny. She seemed like an interesting lady, and he thought he would record a snippet of her life as a Frie-Ography, a friend biography.
At the time, she ‘was’ a Special PC, a lady of money making ideas, a supermarket worker, and a keen weekend fell walker and climber in Wales and the English Lake District. One of the highlights of this book are the photographs of Jenny’s nude dips in icy Lakeland river pools, together with both female and male friends who include Johnny Conger Eel (you can guess why they called him that). Hey, I’m fibbing, calm down now! Anyway, it wouldn’t be a conger for long, those pools are a bit cold.
It’s an interesting Frie-Ography about someone who isn’t famous; a refreshing change from the norm. And of course you’ll want to meet the Plobster.
October-Aurora-Sunrise

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Title:  The Chuckling Crab

The Chuckling Crab, although not open for business any more, was Coventry’s finest seafood restaurant (not that it matters where it was). Dealing mainly in crab nippers, the Crab had a waiting list as it sat, comfortably, one couple at a time. The staff i.e. Frankie the boss, Nim the waiter and entertainer, always very attentive. It is sadly missed.
How do I know? Well, Frankie owned and ran it (changed his name to Frankie Stein).

Book Review:

Margaret Blake LIKES this book:

'I don't know what this guy is on but he made me laugh out loud! A very funny, outrageous read.'

 

From River Cottage

 

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Title: The Hidden History of Robin Hood and his Merrie Men

(Word Count 13,664)


 

Robin is hooked when he sees what ‘Whittling’ Will Scarlett can do. Eventually, all the Merrie Men, and women join the game in their various ways, which gives rise to rather different ambushes. This is from an actual document Frankie was shown at a private party in Nottingham.

Plus other amazingly entertaining short stories:
Click/Bzzzzzzzzz (trouble with a housefly).
Pandora and the Geeks (Geek-Miffology)
The Disturbing Effects of Pollution on Wildlife (we pump some crap into the sea .. results?).
Jack and the Beans Talk (your beans on toast will never be the same again).Putting a Spannah in the Works (stairlifts ... rather cruel to old people and the disabled).
Please, please, please be offended.

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Title: Yorkshire Pudding and Gravey

(Word Count 3863)



 

Funny place the Shire of York. For lots of people, when they hear it, they think of  the moors and the Ian Brady and Myra Hindley story ... but, there are much more brighter things going on there. Frankie was travelling through Harrogate one evening, when he went into a pub, and got talking to one of the locals... who told him some right wacky tales.

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Title: Heart Failure

(Word count 16830


Eventually, years of misunderstood life (anxiety) catches up with Frankie’s heart (seriously). He ends up in A&E, and then onto an observation ward to get his blood pressure down. Then, a few days free entertainment on the heart ward. He thinks the hospital has fitted the wrong sized doors on the toilets as there is a gap, but that’s so the nurses can see through in case any of the oldies (normally found on these wards) have collapsed ... it makes Frankie’s self gratification sessions very dodgy indeed. Anyway, he’s not there to feel bad, he’s there to have an interesting time; made even more interesting by the golden oldies (old bastards; crusty dusties) Albert and Alfred, both of whom are run by electronics and stents.

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Title: Mind Shift- The Beautiful Art of Inn-Vention.


Not only do you get the easy to understand mind technique used by inventors, but Frankie willingly hands to you, for YOU to make a fortune ... some of the ideas he has come up with while sitting/standing, mind relaxed, in an ale house somewhere. If it wasn’t for inns, you wouldn’t have half the good stuff you have in the world (or half the bad stuff for that matter). Read it and cheer yourself up.

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The Cumbria Lake District Collection

TOURIST MISGUIDES

Frankie is basically a caricature artist who paints his portraits with a pen (well ok, a keyboard). Tourist Misguides are caricature tourist guides. You’ll probably get more out of these than the official ones because they aren’t ‘boring’.

 

Misguide 1:

A Tipsy Trip

 

 

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Misguide 2:

Happy Juice

 

Out to get the tourists! (Unless they have a 'Happy Kit')

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A Human 'Word Caricature':

Joss Naylor

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Review:

 

Susan Horschmann LIKES this book

this is an excellent read for children and adults as well. I enjoyed it immensely.

Hiya! October here. Frankie, could you tell us a little about the Joss Naylor book please?

Hello again October, Sure!

Joss Naylor runs the World’s Biggest Liar competition in the Bridge Inn at Santon Bridge in the Lake District every year. The Bridge Inn is in a lovely setting i.e. fields, mountains and woodland inhabited by Elves, Fairies and Unicorns. The Unicorns are so successful, they are controlled and can be found in vacuum packs in most shops there ... which is all a lie, but you were convinced weren’t you.

Thanks Frankie.

This year 2012, Frankie couldn’t make it, and it was the first time he’d even considered it ... so, he decided to put it into book form, which is cool. His subject for his lie is actually the truth, so he invented a sister competition The World’s Biggest Truth Teller ... Joss Naylor, the Atomic Shepherd, is the subject. Frankie knew Joss well when he shared the same change room at the nearby Sellafield nuclear plant. Not only does he tell the story of Joss and his ‘BIG’ secret, but also adds another couple of years worth of entry stories. One about a famous Lakes woman ‘most’ have heard of, only this isn’t quite the same woman. A story about a healthy Lake District activity previously inaccessible for a certain section of society ... and a re vamped Grasmere games for the same people. This offering does for Joss Naylor and the Lakes what Morecambe and wise did for Shirley Bassey 'and' Angela Rippon.
A truth telling feast, with a little controversy. O-A-S.

 

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Below is a rather worrying letter received by Frankie from Cumbrian Officialdom.

It's a good job he's a member of The Guild of Naughty Writers.

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Cumbriea Clouty Counsel.

Dear Mr Lasslut

We don’t no what you think your doing, but if you don’t stop ... we no your family go to collect benefits and to sign to get Disability allowance and pension stuff. We have people watching them in cars with tinted windows and if you don’t stop putting Cumbriea on the map, we will start sending you fingers.
Just for the record, wear do you live? Is Coventree in Cumbriea

Cumbriea Clouty Counsel, putting tourism and education first and second

PS: You’re books are band from Cumbriea

 

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Oh, I do Like to be Beside the Seaside

(Word count 9,180)



A lot of people think that people in mental health asylums are there because they have gone mad for some reason, and are therefore locked up to keep them out of so called ‘normal society’. That isn’t quite right; they are there because normal society has driven them mad, and they are actually just downsizing.
But, the truth is scarier than any fiction. The world is getting madder and madder, and very soon, the nuthouse is going to be the safest place to be (there is a good reason). But, there’s a hitch. If you want to get in one because you think you’ve been turned mad, you won’t be allowed in. Because; if you think you’re mad, you can’t be.

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THE PIED PIPER

 

 

And the Pied Piper walked through the streets of Hameln (not Hamelin), playing his pipe which mesmerised the rats following him (yeah right). He was blowing a long note and during this feat, wanted to fart. This was fine and so he did as he had done several times while practicing scales on the road between towns with rat infestations (which were quite common, just like the people). But this time, he followed through (can’t you see it written in his eye?). What do you do? Easy, you have to carry on and hope the offending passion killer doesn’t make a public appearance (he was bound to pull, he was going to be as wealthy as Matthew Hopkins). Maybe he had a safety net in his Y fronts due to the nature of his work?
You know the rest of the story

For the modern day new-version, see The Return of the Pied Piper; below:

 

The Return of the Pied Piper

(Word count 35,500)

 


This is of course, partly adult fantasy (that doesn ’t mean there’s sex in it, there isn’t), because, although there’s a lot of truth in the pages, the main part of the story just couldn’t happen ... more’s the pity really.

Book review:

Mozzy LIKES this book:

It's certainly different, both in prose and content. I found it a bit over the top with the descriptive text, but nevertheless was an enjoyable read.

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The Hell-Raising Rock and Roll Adventures

of Alice Pooper and Iggy Popsicle

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The Penis Monologues

(Word count 6562)

Years ago, Eve Ensler wrote The Vagina Monologues, a marvellous book, which turned into a famous stage show (go see it if you get the opportunity). Frankie thought it a little unfair that women should get a chance to express themselves as far as their Vs went ... and learn how to appreciate them. So, how about the men?
Men’s poor penises have been ignored for years. There is no world stage for the penis, and men’s thoughts about his appendage.
Problems in writing? Well. In Eves book, she asked women ‘what their vagina smelt like’ ... and she got some good answers. In the man’s world, that can’t be done, especially in Coventry where in many cases all the mind is on is Sky Blues, and production lines ... and the knuckles do sometimes drag. It has been considered by Coventry Council, that some men’s arms should have brushes fitted at the wrist, so that when they go out, the dragging knuckles actually sweep the streets. Imagine a bloke asking one of these KDs “What does your penis smell like?” That’s a certain visit to A&E (if a woman asks, she may just find out ... in the middle of the town centre).
Enjoy!

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One Year in Tibet

(Word count 29,930)

Frankie is keen on Meditation, and so, he decided years ago to go on a cheap package holiday to Tibet, to learn the art ‘properly’. He ends up in an ‘isolation cave’, up a sheer cliff, for one year ... after which time he should be pretty adept. What about food? He manages to open a restaurant, for himself. Breakfast ... it’s truly amazing, milk is delivered to the cave enterance platform every morning. By whom? No one knows.
Includes a visit to the Capital Lhasa, which, as some are aware, has been destroyed by the Chinese. How does he get there?
Does he survive?
I enjoyed this one.
You have to meet Yogan, the Tibetan songwriter, and member of the Tibetan People’s National Front.
OAS
PS: I’m sure, if the Dalai Lama reads this, he will be well chuffed.

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Title: TITS UP

There’s trouble in the house where Frankie Lives. It is (or should be) a halfway house, a kind of an overspill for the local asylum (truly). Some are leaving because they showed signs of advanced sanity, and the landlord asks Frankie if he can look after the garden; a therapy designated because no one else can be bothered (they like to stay in their rooms and talk to themselves). Frankie sees the potential for a lovely meditation garden, complete with glade, and a few birdfeeders to encourage all the local colourful little tits & co to come feed.
It’s all going good, then the Yanks move in. All hell breaks loose, and a war with ‘nature’ ensues.

OAS

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Title: WHERE THERE’S A WILL

Frankie goes to Millom to see his aged cantankerous mother, and do a spot of ‘will buffing’. While there, he discovers what happened to his father who vanished when he was 22. His mother’s dodgy activities are exposed, and her evil ways have to be stopped. There is though always a good profit to be made through evil.

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Coming soon

 

THE PARALLELOGAMES

(Being Updated)

Again, this could only happen in another Universe ... so, the Star gate is wheeled out again, and Britain gets the Fringe Olympics. The Pensioner Olympics in Coventry’s Ricoh Arena (to wake the buggers up!). North Western rugby (you won’t believe) and Cricket (Critic). Some fun with insect Olympics in the rainforest, and some ice skating with Blades, the prodigy.

OAS

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