AMUSING MURDERS

Nuddybongo magazine were lucky enough to talk to amusing murder case story collector Mr Norman Clipmaeon. Norman was toying with the idea of writing a book featuring the amusing murder stories he has compiled. Here are three of them.

 

THE ‘MUCKY TIME’ MURDER

Julie and Bill shared a bath every Friday night; they called it their ‘mucky time’.
One Saturday morning after a mucky night when Bill couldn’t stop smiling, he leaned on the kitchen sink unit as Julie washed up the breakfast things and said to her “You have never lived until you have pissed in a bath you are sharing with the wife, like I did last night.”
Julie was revolted. “You weed in the bath last night?! While I was in it with you?!”
“Yes, my mates dared me that I wouldn’t. They do with their better halves and say it’s dead funny and you’ve never lived until you’ve done it. They said their better halves roar with laughter too.”
Julie boiled over and using something she had learned in Tae Kwon Do class, death-punched Billy in the windpipe with a high pitched “woooooaaa!”
He staggered against the fridge freezer and went various shades from red to blue that B&Q would gladly use in their bathroom range paints and tiles. He died of aspiration.
Julie came clean with the police investigators after three days of questioning, be it with traces of Bill’s urine all over her.
She was found guilty by the jury.
In Court, summing up, the Judge said, “Well Miss Peckhampton, you punched your partner in the windpipe with a Tae Kwon Do death punch after he told you he urinated in your ‘mucky night’ bath, the bath you were actually both sharing at the time. Well, that’s awful, so it would seem inappropriate for me to jail you for life as I killed my wife the same way for doing the exact same thing, the dirty cow.”
The Court paused in shock and held its breath ...
The Judge, realising his confession uttered a loud ‘doh!’ and they were both jailed for life.

 

ALGERNON THE KILLER

Algernon had tried and tried to get passionate reader Delilah’s attention, but she just ignored him and kept reading her book. This time though, she calmly put down the book, looked at him, half smiled and said, ‘I’m waiting for a real man to come along and sweep me off my feet, not a silly little boy’ ... and she laughed in his face.
But Algernon had brought along a gift for his obsession as she had made him lose his mind. Inside his lovely bunch of fresh flowers ‘borrowed’ from a new grave was a metal bar. After they came and broke down his door, he said to the Judge ‘I felt the bar in my hand and she laughed no more.’
The Judge told Algernon that he was ‘potty’ and sent him down for life ...Follow the link ...

 

THE UNIVERSITY CAMPUS MURDER

It isn’t often that a murder is committed on a university campus. This one though happened on one you may very well have heard of i.e. Warwick University.

For a long time now, lecturers and heads of Coventry Uni have been bemoaning the fact that Warwick Uni receive tons of cash in the way of grants and so attract students from mega-wealthy parents who also contribute. It matters not whether the students are complete knobs and knobettes; money talks, nothing is more important as Richard Spondulix would agree (read his articles, they’re really good, although not as good as this one). It isn’t true though and if anything, Coventry University is the posh one; rumour has it that the central heating even came on the other week (beat that!) and a student nearly passed an exam (pass mark 50, just turning up half asleep is worth thirty marks)
However, here is Professor Brian Anesni to tell you about the terrible murder.

 

Professor of Human Behaviour, Brian Anesni

Prof Anesni came to Warwick University which is on the outskirts of Coventry from Harvard because there are less shootings here. In the summer especially, people think that there are a lot of Chinese tourists in Warwick. Not true, they are Warwick Uni  students looking for the University after being dropped off by the No 192 after catching the train to Coventry from Birmingham airport. They look anxious because they are late for their lectures and their parents paid a lot of money for them to study and not sightsee.

This is what Professor Anesni told us about Warwick University.
“Well, it began when a residential student came to see me in a panic a little while back. He said” ... “Professor Anesni! I awoke this morning, threw back the best Arabian silk sheets and padded to the window in my mink dressing gown and gold, jewel encrusted slippers. I drew back the Bayeux Tapestry, sorry the curtains, expecting to see the garden and pond within the copse including the nut tree, which was created, thanks to my father’s generous donation to the genetic messing department. The nut tree bears a silver nutmeg and a golden pear, both of which I may sell and get hammered in the student union. I also expected to see the genetic experiment unicorn, peacocks, birds of paradise and some common, ten a penny pheasants which I sometimes shoot out of the window with my golden gun air rifle and get some pauper from Coventry University to pluck and clean them before I have them cooked by a top chef so I can entertain my guests; my Daddy is so good to me. But, this wondrous, expensive sight had gone. They had been scared off by a down and out! Why the heads of the University allow creatures like this to wander the grounds is a mystery to me. So, I have seen some of my contemporaries and now I have come to see you so you can study our behaviour as we deal with this ‘commoner’ problem.”
I would apply for a huge grant to enable me to study this particular activity, whatever it was she had in mind. Suddenly, there was a banging noise outside. I looked out of the window. It was the University Refuse Dept taking away all the crap from the rear end of the student union. Because they work here, they wear Swarovski crystal encrusted donkey jackets with high vis waistcoats which have been sewn together with a special golden thread from the Mystical Masters Degree course who have been experimenting with thread made from the golden fleece; an idea by pipe smoking Head of Department, Professor Odin Dreamcoat. This enables them to lift the heavy wheelie bins on their backs, as; even though they are common working people we don’t want them to hurt themselves. Wheels? Wheels are common and rumble on the floor when some resident students are sleeping due to the hard study done the previous day.
The wheelie bins are very heavy as they each sport the Warwick University emblem which measures one foot by two foot and are made using inch thick twenty four carat gold. The emblems were made by students in the Goldsmithing department and the students from Coventry University were punished for pocketing gold filings so they could go out and get hammered; it’s hard to drink loads when your parents are factory workers. When Coventry Uni students come here they are in awe. Warwick Uni students refuse to go near Cov University as their skin itches and they get poor-rashes.

If it’s sunny, it is hard to watch the ‘expensive refuse’ collectors drive off as Warwick Uni roads are impregnated with tiny diamonds; our main campus road is aptly named Tiara Way. You may think that these diamonds will shred tyres, but no, our parents paid the world’s best diamond cutters to take the sharp edges off each an every one.
Are you getting the picture of OUR University. Think of Liberace’s toilet. For Coventry University think of  an outside loo in the back yard of  a derelict house.

Well, these students hatched a plan. They sent a student from the Department of Spying and International Espionage out to track the ‘tramp’. He was called Robin. He had been thrown out of his family for doing insane things like refusing to stop celebrating Christmas happiness and goodwill even with all the cafe shootings and bomb blasts. He developed a bad heart and now slept rough.
One student suggested they, with all their cash should show Robin some goodwill.
‘What?!’ said another student from Religious Studies, ‘I thought we were Born Again Christians?! I say kill him! Kill him!’
The rest of the students agreed and joined the chant; the nice one was tarred and feathered using soft toffee from several Big Purple Ones and the contents of a Feather pillow.
They got their genius minds together and came up with a horrible plan, which meant toddling off to the children’s and specialist’s book designing faculty.

A week later, Robin entered the campus wishing he had found some sunglasses in a bin to protect his eyes from Tiara Road.
He walked into the copse, the unicorn, peacocks and birds of paradise scuttering away from him.  The tramp didn’t notice, he could only think about getting to his favourite bench, a bench which had been carved from the biggest piece of amber that you could ever find. He was dreaming of sitting down, having a tot of meths and grabbing forty winks ... but what was this? On the bench was a beautifully folded newspaper. Robin was delighted! He loved reading the paper and, maybe he could do the crossword in his head as he had no pen. He lovingly picked up the precious item.

When he opened the nude page Robin was expecting a lovely surprise. Instead, there was a commotion and something large emerged from the paper which literally scared the life out of him. Robin had a heart attack and died on the bench. The students who had been watching donned rubber gloves and quickly made their way to the amber gurney and carried him into the post mortem room; the pathology students got busy. They sold the organs on the black market. The rest they ground up in the Butchery faculty room, had it tinned in the advanced meat tinning faculty and sold it on eBay as Warwick University’s Best Choice Dog Food. They got wasted with the proceeds.
It was a mistake for them to put the brains in the food as lots of dogs get mad dog disease (it matters not as money was made).

And that’s how you could murder someone on a University campus with a newspaper.

What did the students do to the newspaper to make it so shocking?

Follow the link ...