THE EFFECT OF MISREADING
By Larry Mulberry, gossip columnist for Nuddybongo magazine.
I find that it’s easy to misread words occasionally. For instance, when at school I was privy to reading a page from a naughty book ... ‘he looked at her pubic hair and said ...’
I misread it as public hair and went on with my life thinking why hair down there (or up there, if you’re a pygmy) was called public hair? What did it have to do with the general public? I did eventually realise my mistake when I was thirty-five and it was a great revelation to me. Imagine if I had become a world famous ‘Brazilian’ hairdresser and was interviewed on a TV game guessing what I did and no one guessed.
“So, what is it you do Larry?”
“I shape women’s public hair ...”
And everyone laughed ... at me.
Funnily enough, my latest misread was in the chemist’s shop part of Morrison’s supermarket.
The product box had Thrush Combi written on it, but as my guardian angel is a cheeky son of a bitch it blocked my vision insofar as the ‘i’ went; I saw Thrush Comb.
Having a curious mind, I wondered what a Thrush Comb was. Maybe it was like a nit comb? But, was Thrush something you could comb out of public hair? (See! You thought that said pubic didn’t you).
Therefore, surely a Thrush Comb was something that should be sold in a pet shop and not a chemists? But, how does anyone apart from bird ringing ornithologists with mist netscatch a thrush? Maybe a male and a female could be caught by an ornithologist and then a thrush farm could be started, just like salmon farms in Scotland. If anybody was to buy one, for what reason would they make the purchase? Well, there is only one reason which must be to show at a thrush fancier’s weekend in the NEC (not financiers). But, knowing how crazy people are when it comes to preparing the bird, maybe there would be a prize for the best fluffy thrush? Delicate feathers can’t be combed and the vanes would end up being forced straight especially if a hairbrush was used. If they were then ‘fluffy’, women such as Kate Moss and Dame Edna Everage would want to carry them everywhere in their diamond studded grip bags and the fluffy thrush would become the ‘to be seen with’ accessory?
If it is very cold outside i.e. similar to Siberia and you want to go out to the shops for a large bottle of cheap vodka, but you don’t have one of those furry hats the Russians wear, don’t be tempted to wear, ‘assuming it has built one’ ... the thrush’s nest upside down on your head. This is because the thrush lines its nest with mud and that can freeze to your head. Instead, get a blackbird as their nests are feather lined and much warmer. If your blackbird (if you have one?) which you caught in your garden with a fishing net, has made its nest from its own breast feathers because you don’t want to free it as it may bugger off before a big show where you are going to pass it as an albino thrush with a dodgy Y chromosome. Remember, black ‘thrush’ combs are the same as actual thrush combs, so comb it vigorously (or brush it) and get it very fluffy; the hat will then be much warmer as fluffed ‘down’ feathers are much warmer than unfluffed ones.
This is what I saw!, I suppose my guardian angel is 'OK' really.
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