CONSPIRACY FACT

Article by Conspiracy fact-ist Davida Hike.

Contributor’s friend … Frankie Lassut

Hello. I’m Davida Hike and I believe that people who dismiss and discredit conspiracy fact-ist’s facts as conspiracy theorist theories are a danger to mankind.
That’s because they conveniently dismiss all the plots planned against mankind and thus put us all on the edge of a very sheer cliff with a horribly rocky bottom; which I suppose is better than a crocodile infested river; just watch those wildebeest trying to cross a river.
I was having a glass of wine the other night watching my goldfish when it hit me and I just couldn’t believe what I undoubtedly ‘knew’ that they, the Russians, were up to.
I made a coffee and then hit the internet and Skyped some conspiracy fact-ist friends and let me tell you, they said that it was ‘definitely’ true.

Here’s what the Russians are up to, it’s unbelievable:

Important note before the Russian agenda:

British scientists, fed up of working hard removing the taste from tomatoes, did tests a long time ago and found that goldfish have a seven second memory; it MUST then be true.
Well, it could be true because if two fish are placed in a bowl and they swim off around the bowl in different directions after communicating for a while, when they both meet again eight seconds later after swimming the circumference of the bowl, they suddenly wear ‘who are you?’ expressions.
This is where the danger lies because the Russian scientists have discovered the same thing. They have got together in a Moscow think tank and after weeks of debate and the throwing around of an evil idea, they have decided to manufacture a new fish bowl, one which is smaller than the standard household size. This will enable the goldfish to communicate with each other, with memory, on each circuit completion. They swim around looking out of the bowl, observing the human activity in the room, or, if on a windowsill, in the garden and on the street outside; planning!
How do they communicate?
Well, as goldfish are related to herrings …

Herring Break Wind to Communicate, Study Suggests
James Owen in England
for National Geographic News
November 10, 2003

In polite society, flatulence is often a social faux pas—especially when issued deliberately. But in the world of fish, group "raspberry-blowing" sessions appear to perform an important social role.
This intriguing idea comes from scientists who discovered that herring create a mysterious underwater noise by farting. Researchers suspect herring hear the bubbles as they're expelled, helping the fish form protective shoals at night. It's the first ever study to suggest fish communicate by breaking wind.
The study's findings, now published online in the U.K. science journal Biology Letters, reveal that Atlantic and Pacific herring create high-frequency sounds by releasing air from their anuses.
"We know [herring] have excellent hearing but little about what they actually use it for," said research team leader Ben Wilson, a marine biologist at the Bamfield Marine Science Centre, British Columbia, Canada. "It turns out that herring make unusual farting sounds at night.

Now you know.

How come no one has ever seen this goldfish communication happening?
Well, goldfish are very observant creatures and they don’t fart-talk when a human is watching.
A goldfish may look at its owner sat in a chair watching TV. There may be a whole stream of bubbles as it says “You bounder! Keeping me in a small bowl like this with no company! And look at the algae on the side and all my stools on the gravel, you bitch! (Applies to men too).”
i.e. goldfish hate humans.

Now, it’s obvious what happened next. The Russians made smaller bowls and put two fish in. The fish immediately started farting i.e. conversation. Then they had a swim round the bowl in different directions ‘observation’ break. It took five seconds and when they met again they remembered each other (they membered each other) and took up the conversation where it had ended previously, with happy looks on their faces.
As soon as this happened they began to evolve.

How did the Russians get them to evolve very quickly?
Easy, Russian scientists grew them from eggs in the lake by Chernobyl, the one where River Monsters Jeremy Wade went angling for radioactive catfish (that by the way is how wading was named, by Mr Wade).
When Jeremy was fishing, the Russian scientists hiding nearby took out of their box a load of goldfish in those plastic bags they’re sold in, and put them in his rucksack. When he returned home, Russians posing as Heathrow customs officers wearing lead lined suits confiscated the goldfish and let Jeremy off with a caution for smuggling the fish.
These goldfish are stored in a warehouse somewhere, ready to be released into the public after their genes have been messed with. Radiating AND some genetic engineering … look out.

HERE’S HOW THIS ‘TERRIBLE’ PLAN WILL WORK.

The Russians will flood the market with these smaller goldfish bowls and will give two free goldfish with each one. The owner will have a goldfish bowl party to show her new acquisition off to friends, who will get jealous and buy a bowl themselves (probably from The Range) and get two fish FREE! Well, that certainly beats BOGOF.
The fish will swim, observe, fart ‘hi’! to each other again, fart more i.e. chat and plot their plan against humans; swim again, observe, … etc.
Then, at a scientifically pre-set moment, a genetic signal will trigger and the tail and the pectoral fins will change …
The pectorals will begin to change into human arms and the tail will turn clockwise (or anticlockwise) dolphin like and begin to turn into human legs. It’s a bit ‘froggy’ I suppose but tadpole to frog change was a useful ‘parameter’ for the evil Russian scientists.
(It is a scientific natural history ‘fact’ that humans evolved from fish).
You, like me have guessed the conspiracy plot, haven’t you (or are you a bit slow?)
The Russians are going to flood us with communicating fish which turn into humans who don’t like proper humans, even though they look exactly like us. If you get two of these fish, you will go to the new in vogue, fashionable bowl one morning and discover that it is empty. The table or windowsill will be wet and there may be two small footprint trails … unless your central heating has dried them up. The rest you can guess. It may be best to turn off your central heating, which will then enable you to at least see which direction they went in (you can then search for them with a fishing net in your hand).

And that’s what the Russians are up to, so take note.

I’m Davida Hike and I hope I’ve helped you be aware of some of the bad stuff in the world.

Ps
I was sat drinking sherry and staring at the wall the other evening trying to figure out how to foil the Russian plan. Then it hit me. It is possible to genetically remove the fart gene from beans, so why don’t we get scientists to render fish flakes fart-free? The goldfish then wouldn’t be able to communicate. That would surely foil the Russians.
For the good of mankind, please tell this to any ‘nice’ GM scientists you may know.

 

PLEASE TAKE PART IN THE GM FART-FREE FISH FLAKE CAMPAIGN

A short, catchy rhyme to help persuade them. You could memorise this, just in case.

Take part in the fart-free fish flake campaign
If they can’t communicate, it will save a lot of pain
With you GM knowledge you can concentrate on fish
Then ‘un’ GM tomatoes
For a tasty salad, again
Oh, I wish.

 

To contents