How to get great organisms when you’re a woman (who only ever gets the pleasure of witnessing your partner’s near – death moments.


This picture isn’t what it seems. The woman is having some exercise in her bedroom on a pogo stick in herstrapless leotard in order to keep herself fit and attractive to please her partner. Hopefully, knowing that doesn’t stop men playing tiddler-willy-winks when they took at the picture.

Most of us, especially deeply religious people, know the female organism is a far more complicated business than the male equivalent. As the Cleo Torris (my maiden name) has twice as many nerve endings as the winky, it should be simple, shouldn’t it?

In reality not all women can achieve orgasm easily or using the same approach. The good news is that by practising the right techniques, all girls should be able to achieve good control of their sexual satisfaction. Here we look at some tips, ideas and methods that will make sure that when you come, it's totally explosive! Yahoo!

Get turned on
Try to think about sex more often i.e. think like a man and think sex all the time, except if the footy is on. Start planning the evening’s sexual escapades during the day, on the toilet at work. Explore sexy ideas by reading erotic fiction or watching adult movies on the toilet at work on your smart phone. These days there’s plenty of eroticism and porn aimed at women. Look out for films with female directors, or magazines written and published by women, such as Scarlet. Not only will the material get you really turned on, but it could inspire you to try new and exciting things with your partner (or with the CEO in the toilet booth at work).

Tone up
Identify the key muscles that are used when you organism by flexing your pelvic floor. You can do this by pretending to stop while having a pee - put a finger inside yourself to feel the effect (vagina not ass hole). These are the same muscles that tighten and release when you orgasm, nearly killing you. To give your orgasms more va-va-voom, try toning up your pelvic floor muscles by flexing and releasing them 10 times a day. A quick squeeze of these muscles during sex will drive your partner wild too (try not to fart).

Get on top and stay in control
Being on top of your partner during sex will literally put you in the driving seat, especially if you are in the car. You can control just how fast, how slow or how deep you want it (depending on his willy size of course). Try altering your position to give yourself as much, or as little, cleo Torral (my middle name) stimulation as you want. Leaning slightly forward, or gyrating your hips in a circular motion can also be thrilling, never mind if the airbag hits your ass and throws you into the back seat). Being on top also means you’re in the best position to watch your man as he writhes and wriggles in ecstasy and calls out his wife’s name.

Learn how to master bait (fishing term i.e. a master baiter is someone who can put a worm on a hook while it is wriggling like mad).
If you want to find out what really turns you on, practise all by yourself. Master bait ‘ion’ (metaphysics) can allow you to pinpoint how and where you're best stimulated. Stroke your Cleo Torris, varying the speed and direction until you find what's most exciting for you (i.e. common sense). Invest in every girl’s best friend  i.e. a vibrat ... actually, it’s a firemen, or her mother. Start with something simple, as there’s plenty of time to progress to a Sex And The City style Rampant Rabbit (if you can’t get a rampant rabbit or if your postman keeps pinching it for his wife every time he sees the Amazon box it is packed in. When you’ve worked out what drives you crazy (him leaving the toilet seat up?), tell your partner. Better still, give him a performance he’ll never forget. Nag him to get a job as a fireman. When he achieves this you will have access to the entire fire fighting team.

Ask your partner to go down on you (not the stairs)
Most blokes love performing oral sex, and will enjoy it as much as you. The tongue is the ultimate instrument for stimulating the Cleo Torris. Gentle licking, sucking and nibbling is the key to many women’s organisms. While he’s doing this, ask him to insert one or two fingers inside you, and gently thrust them in and out. Lots of women find that a gently inserted finger in their hum-bole (?) adds a whole new level of intensity to their organism. Don’t lay a turd in his hand. If he does one finger in each way in, the space between your bits may spread his fingers so wide he could dislocate them.

Get him to tie you to the bed and then say “Ok pet, do whatever you like.”
When he returns from the pub he will be too drunk to do anything, but plead with him to untie you in case you have to go to the loo during the night.

Make some noise!
Great sex is all about throwing all caution to the wind. So don’t be scared to show your pleasure; it’ll actually turn you on even more. So gasp, grunt, shout his name, say just how fantastic it is (or he is), and scream at the top of your voice. If you hear a knock on the door ... it’s the police, bored on their round, wanting to join in. You will now have the police and the fire brigade teams ... all you need do is fake a heart attack to get the full house. Your hubby can then go to the pub and watch the footy while you get on with it.

Find your G-spot
We’re all different, but your ‘G’ spot ... (named after a horse because mares have them too i.e. gee gee) ...will be about two finger joints deep inside the front wall of your virginia. It’s soft and feels like a little sponge (if you can’t find the sponge bit off the end of the plate washer, it probably is a sponge ... what have you been doing with the plate washer?! Once you’ve found it, try touching it with a finger by curling and straightening it (a beckoning motion). It may pulse slightly when touched and will feel fantastic; leading to what should be an explosive organism probably with some soap bubbles. Some women release a liquid ‘female evacuation’ whe they reach organism in this way. There are also a whole host of sex toys on the market specifically designed to hit the spot. These days, finding your G spot is easier than finding a ‘P’arking spot.