Module 1


OK 'paying' student, find a way to make pots of cash from this story ...

 


New Zealander Claire Third, a taxidermist, found a dead cat and turned it into a handbag

 

 

                               It caused outrage for some bizarre reason? 

 

The Lesson

Well I, Francis Spondulix like the ‘idea’ and, as I like rolling in a bed with a money stuffed mattress, here’s what I would do. I would like to mass market it and make loads of ‘mattress money’ (a great way of stopping yourself pissing the bed).
I also think I should ‘Amway it’ and Christmas tree sell it to you too. There is a problem though i.e. how to get a load of dead cats?
Hmmmm?
There was an amusing book once available called ‘a hundred and one uses of a dead cat’ (maybe it’s still available?). For this project though it could be retitled 101 dead cats at the very least, for one particular usage.

Have you students got any fun ideas yet? Come on!

Here is the Spondulix take:

Raw Project Material Acquisition:

There are several ways of acquiring cats to make into handbags. For instance, put a fish in the middle of the road and when the cat is tucking in, drive at it fast and, hopefully run over the fur ball. As you will have tyres (it’s doubtful you have a steamroller) it is best run over in the middle of its back as you don’t want to squash its head, although that would be handy because you will need to remove the brain. If the brain isn’t squashed out by a tyre, the skull can be sawn open, or, if no saw is available, a hole can be drilled in the head, a straw inserted and the brains sucked out, sort of like the morticians did with dead Egyptians such as Cleopatra. Just imagine you are siphoning petrol from your neighbour’s car on the drive at 2am. But without the ‘flow’ as the brain isn’t liquid like petrol.
It is best to hold the nostrils closed as you do this which cuts down the effectiveness of the taste buds. If someone comes up behind you when you have a mouthful of mushed brain and slaps you on the back ... worry not, Bear Grylls is still ok after all the crap he’s swallowed.
Imagine Bear in a gay porn film ...
“Of course I do, I’ve swalowed worse than this mate.”

You can also catch one under a bin lid which you have propped up with a stick with a pull string you’ve attached to it (you hold the string and hide behind the bin ready to pull the string to make the bin lid fall over the unsuspecting cat). Use another fish as bait. This is a very effective way of capture, but don’t just lift the lid and grab the cat because if it is pissed off the little bugger could savage you. All of these methods are viable, but I have found the best. Get a Fray Bentos pie in a tin.

 

 

Voila!


Dear Fray Bentos
That’s only six grand for advertising, thanks.

Take the metal lid off and cook the scrummy yummy pie by shoving it in the oven at gas mark whatever it says on the bottom of the tin. It is perhaps better to read the cooking instructions before taking the lid off as you don’t want the raw pie over your foot. Put the pie in the oven. Watch Jeremy Kyle or Judge Rinder. Remove the ‘cooked’ pie from the oven.

Some of the delicious gravy may have run lava-like down the sides of the tin, but this makes it look even yummier. The yummy scrummy crispy pie lid will have risen and will look as if it is an accordion waiting to fill the world with flavour notes (that was metaphorical creative writing I got off Masterchef). Take off the top layer and crunch it like a poppadum/ puppadom. Under this layer you will discover layer after layer of slimy uncooked pastry layers. Put on an asbestos glove and lift these discs of soft, uncooked gloopy pastry off and hold over the fist. Place on a table and wipe off the pieces of ‘REAL’ meat and watery gravy (which looks so yum in the photograph ... for ‘guidance’ only i.e. bollocks) and then go outside with it lying limply over your clenched fist. Put a fish on the floor and stand back thirty feet. When a cat comes along and starts to eat the fish after torturing it before discovering that it is already dead (the cat will bear a disappointed look on its cute whiskery face) ... spin the limp pastry on your fist like one of those pizza making men and then cast it towards the cat, like one of those fishermen with the circular fishing nets on string. The pastry will expand in mid-air and fall over the cat. The cat cannot escape because the edges of the uncooked slimy, wet pastry will attach itself to the floor just like the lid of a pie or the edge of ravioli. The cat will soon expire due to the inhalation of its own waste CO2 (which turns limewater milky) and it can be gathered up in this damp, uncooked pastry bundle Take it home, unwrap it, suck out its brains, skin it and stuff (taxidermaise) it using your beginners taxidermy book ‘Get Stuffed’ (making sure you wrap the body skin around a handbag frame, usually available from most good craft shops). Repeat this process many times and sell the handbags on eBay or recruit some agents; cat men and women. You see, there is a musical screaming to be made by one of you!

As you push your third hand pram into the Post Office loaded with brown paper packages tied up with cheap sticky tape which you have to tie in a knot, the lady behind the two inch bullet proof glass (are you really in a DSS benefits office or a council estate off licence) who likes a quiet day will look at you in horror. She will be thinking ‘oh no! No more ‘designer’ cat handbags!’ (she must be allergic to pussy, making her a very frustrated lesbian). But you will be thinking ‘great! Another twenty five grand in the bank!’
‘Twenty five grand! ? You ask.
‘Yes. Don’t forget, we used the word the word ‘designer’

Simples eh!? That’s mass marketing of cat handbags, and to think, you thought it was difficult. You can then buy some sheets of puff pastry, tip the watery contents of your Fray Bentos pie dish on one sheet, place another on top, seal the edges and paint with egg yolk and then put in the oven at gas mark 8 for forty minutes ... this time it may have cooked? I can only surmise that it’s the Fray Bentos pie tin that is crap.

If you found this course module informative, handy and life changing and as a result of reading it you are about to make pots of cash off eBay (ignoring the fact that you have been sued by the Cat’s Protection League) ... pleas e mail us at frankielassut1@aol.com

Note: When sucking out a cat’s brain it takes about fifteen full-skulls before you get used to the taste and learn not to gag at the texture as the mushed pussy-brain runs down your throat.

Extra money making tip: Paint the skulls gold and stick jewels on them. Take the on Sarah Beeny’s Four Rooms and Celia Sawyer will give you an evil look and offer you a fiver for them. That’s ok, that’s all she would offer Damien Hirst for his diamond skull (that’s how Celia affords the haircut and the thirteen inch heels).

 

 

Money

To be supremely happy all a human needs is pots of cash.

THANK YOU FOR COMING ON THE COURSE, SEE YOU ALL SOON.

 

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