History, our record of past events. Apart from enabling many books to be possible, films give us audio visual memories of past events.
Gosh, who could forget Robert Powell as Jesus, or Charlton Heston as El Cid, Kirk Douglas as Spartacus and Elizabeth Taylor as Cleopatra ... the wonderful list goes on to many toilet roll lengths of these talented people who get in front of a camera and bring our past to life, so we can live it at least from an armchair or a cinema seat. Such a rich collection of books and DVDs help us to see how our ancestors lived and, without those books how would they make such accurate, researched films?
Thank God therefore that we have, again, talented people who write historical novels and Universities with professors who study old documents and teach it to students who will then get jobs in MacDonalds and pass it on to customers, who will, in turn, pass it on to their children. Wouldn’t we be in a right old mess if we didn’t know what had happened in the past ...?
There are some history lovers on our staff who are always blabbing on about what they have read, and it seems all the women have a soft spot for Joan of Arc, a woman who stood up to men; and killed them. And Jesus, who, if only he were here now in body, could have had any woman he wanted (these day’s they lust after the Dalai Lama).
One day, Sarah in admin’s phone rang. It was someone who called themselves the Ace Historian offering an insightful interview; they turned out to be ‘fasc-i-nating!’ ....
We then interviewed the Ace Historian (ok Sarah our Super-secretary did), a person who claims to write actual true, what ‘really’ happened, history. Ace, who wishes to remain anonymous, told us that academic style history is basically ‘incorrect’.
‘History’, said the AH ‘is a rough, inaccurate, made up recording of past events, or, in other words, ‘codswallop’ (a great name by the way for a fish and chip shop0; very entertaining though; for instance, the Bible.’
Supersec: “Hello Ace and welcome. Thanks for coming in to our Wonky eBooks/Nuddybongo online magazine office.”
Ace: “Thank you very much, it’s good to be here and thank you for inviting me along. It was quite exciting being blindfolded and driven here by your driver, Mark Rattray.”
S: “Our pleasure. So ‘your’ take on history is true then, Ace?”
Ace: “Of course.”
S: “How can you make such a claim?”
Ace: “I get my information from the ‘only’ true source of historical facts.”
US: “Where’s that?”
Ace: ‘The archives of the Society of Secret Scribes.”
US: “What is the Society of Secret Scribes?”
Ace: “It’s a secret society much like the Masons, and not so secret societies like the Society of Train spotters. It was formed thousands of years ago by scribes, you know, record makers. Their temple is either underground somewhere in a massive man-made chasm, or in a hollowed out mountain, both of which are notoriously difficult to acquire.”
Ace: “That’s where the flying saucers which people have rightly called UFOs hide so ‘they’ have to be evicted first. That’s not easy with their plasma cannons and other weapons.
The Scribes mission is, like train spotters who collect train numbers for the future good of mankind, to do the same good deed with history.”
Us: ‘Really!? Can you tell us more about secret Scribes?”
Ace: “Of course. They do shorthand, some do sketches of the scene and are masters of disguise, camouflage and experts in the hiding part of hide and seek. They are very much like monks from a Shaolin Temple.
US: “How come?”
Ace: Well, Shaolin monks are trained to kick baddies asses so, once released from the temple they just wander around finding trouble and sorting it out. Scribes are sent to designated targets, which they follow without being detected. They are now a bit like Jason Bourne with a pen. There is also a school in the temple where new ones are trained.”
Ace: “Absolutely! You yourself have maybe walked right past one. They hide near history making figures, so maybe you haven’t, as they cordon off places like that to people like yourself i.e. commoners.
US: “How do they know who is going to make history?”
Ace: “They have some very good psychics they can get in touch with who tell them. For instance, take the Sermon on the Mount, they knew the Jesus man would be remembered and lusted after by Horny Virgin Nuns who after lusting in the chapel, cleanse themselves doing the Rosmary beads to gain forgiveness.
The Bible is of course made up, with great care to get the ‘message’ across properly, but here is my own words explanation from the Scribes document of what really happened on that day ...
A sketch of the scene is available from the society, but, painters, especially ones of religious scenes found in the world’s art galleries, liked to paint what they see in their own fanciful imagination, which of course is always wrong. But they won’t purchase the accurate sketches from the society and poo poo it; maybe they’re jealous or don’t want people to know the truth?
In Jesus’s time the sketcher would have used a papyrus leaf and a stick of charcoal, whereas the Scribe would have used a similar leaf and a quill pen, probably. But, this accurate picture would have a big boulder near Jesus.”
S: “For Jesus to sit on or stand on?”
Ace: “No, for the scribe to sit ‘in’, the sketcher would sit in another nearby. The night before, they would have used their hammers and chisels from their kits to hollow out the boulders so they could sit in it on a smaller boulder. They would both carve small shelves for their candles. It’s a bit like an SAS stake out.
Ace: “Yes, fascinating. They would also have a roll each of rock coloured canvas to cover the open doorway at the rear of the boulder.
Also, the Scribe would have a small grill drilled into the front of his rock whilst the sketcher would have two small eye holes, like in the paintings on the walls of those houses with secret corridors; and God’s eyes on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
S: “If this is all true it could change the face of history. Your writings could be the only valid source of our past.”
Ace: “That is true, yes. I am here to serve mankind; just like train spotters.
Sometimes it got a little dodgy for the scribe.”
Us: “How do you mean?”
“Ace: “Well, take the Sermon on the Mount, the scribe wrote the following conversation ...
apparently, Jesus, when stood by this big rock, said ...
“But I say unto you. That whosoever looketh upon a woman to lust after her has committed adu ...
Scribe: “Hang on a sec!”
Scribe: “Has ‘committed’ got one t or two t’s’
Jesus: “What?! Who is that?! Where are you?!”
Scribe: “I’m your secret scribe; I’ve been designated to you. People who are going to be historical figures and, according to one of the society’s psychics, you’re a biggie; get followed by invisible ‘secret’ scribes and their words and actions are recorded. We have to record your every word and action, for according to another psychic, someone who will be known as the Ace Historian, will want to offer the truth to the world of history in a couple of thousand years or so. The Ace Historian will be given a copy of the script; although many will poo pooo us and just go on word of mouth, Chinese whispers, or just make it up to sell books or make ‘creative’ films. You’ll be played really well by someone called Robert Powel and a Python called Montague will have a field day; although ‘it’ openly makes it up it, but still, Montague must be a very clever reptile. He must also have been a hard working one as he owned and ran a circus of trapeze artists too, unless it took place in a large plane; a Boeing 747 perhaps? ...
So, is it one or two t’s? I have trouble with that particular C word, Mississippi is a nightmare and Chiuwhauua, let’s not go there. Oh hell, I’ll go with two. Ok, carry on or you’ll upset the crowd”.
Jesus: “You’re ruining my bloody sermon! Now pi... sorry FOAD! Before I boot you up the arse you knob!”
Scribe: “ You can’t bucko, because you don’t know where I am! So, naa! Naaaa!”
The Ace historian told us that history writers do some of their work from scrappy old records made by ‘who knows’? They simply make the rest up.
King James, who transcribed the Bible from an ancient Aramaic comedy script, said “who givveth a shit what others think?”
That’s why films made from these sloppy records are, as I said, extremely ‘creative’. By that I mean, ‘some events in history films, didn’t happen, and some events that happened in history didn’t happen in books or films’. Thaat’s why history films are ‘based’ on books. If therefore the films are only based on the books which are codswallop anyway, it’s a real nightmare ... and that’s why I had an overwehlming age to speak up, as I have a contact in the Society of Secret Scribes. I get my documentation from them, the rest of the history writers poo poo them and me; that’s sceptica, snobby, history know-it-all people for you.
The Ace Historian was then asked whether they would like to contribute to Nuddybongo Magazine. “Sure”, they said, “That would be fantastic.”
For their first article, we asked our valuable readers to pose a history question for Ace. Someone called Yvonne from Coventry asked ‘who first thought of the seasons?’
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