THE ‘GLEX’ FILES
ET’S. DO THEY ACTUALLY EXIST?!
For many years now various people here and there have been reporting sightings of UFOs, some even reporting being abducted. Some of these people have reported these events and as a result have been branded ‘nutters’, some have been locked up in loony bins. So, are they a figment of mad people’s imaginations? Or do they really exist? Will we ever know?
Important report from NASA
Hello, I’m a scientist called Cymone Bosanko and I can say with one hundred percent certainty ‘yes they do’! I can say that because we brainy boys and girls here at NASA have recently picked up a signal which is in holographic binary coding, from an
ET called Benneb, from a planet called Glexia, which is a lot of light years away. It contains information for the construction of a box-like cage with a covering we think is a marquee to hold our new ‘pets’. After it had arrived we were contacted by an extra-terrestial called Benneb who is broadcasting a message to us; be prepared it’s confirmation news and an excellent money maker for NASA. In fact, the International money magnet Francis Spondulix, who we believe is also contributing to this e magazine, will be proud of us.
It is also a fortunate thing that accounts gave us the money to go and buy a holographic binary code unscrambling machine from PC World; fortunately, we didn’t want a warranty and so were almost pushed out of the shop by the bastards.
At least it works.
This is the binary holographic image of Benneb (like Skype), one of several species of beings on Glexia.
We here at NASA hope the PC World management get abducted and anally probed with probes that have been kept in a fridge set to really cold; and coated in English mustard as lube.
So, for you rather unimportant civilian people, here is the information we received.
THE BENNEB MESSAGE
(the part that will interest ordinary people the most)
Hello earthling. Your computer is picking up my signal from NASA because luckily they have a holographic binary code unscrambling machine which I believe they acquired from the warranty palace.
I’m from a planet called Glexia in the Byra constellation seven million light years from ‘your’ mud ball. You can’t see it on your prehistoric telescopes, so just take my word for it.
I come with some good news for you ... it is the fault of the Glexians that your planet is screwed up, although you aren’t so innocent yourselves ..
On Glexia, Glexians, like you humans, keep pets. The favourite pets of Glexians are from our Polar region and are called Tischians. Tischians prefer the warm to the cold so why they chose to live in the cold is anyone’s guess (maybe Warm Tischians wouldn’t have sounded right?). People like them because they think humans are funny, but as Tischians look like humans and do a form of serious stand-up comedy, they make very desirable, entertaining pets on Glexia.
But, one day a long time ago, Tischian found out that earth life was something to behold and experience. In England plans were drawn up for a high speed train called the HS2 and the Tischians desperately wanted to ride on it. They also heard that the meat of the grey squirrel was far superior to that of the rabbit. On the down side they learnt that cultivated mushrooms tasted of naff all and neither did tomatoes, or Morrison’s tea in their store cafe. The Tischians had decided to find the scientist who screwed with the tomatoes and anally probe him with a deep frozen probe; probably encased in grade five emery cloth.
They linked together telepathically and figured out a way to escape from their cages and nick a spaceship and shoot off to earth to have some fun.
As a large mind-linked group they shot out their signal at many times the speed of light using a machine from Glexian Metaphysic Holocomp World (we have no warranty stuff) and sent the signal which began to beam their ‘request’ directly into the mind of Uri Geller, narrowly missing Derran Brown who made a very good rugby dive at Uri in order to send Uri flying into the gutter so as to get the signal for himself. He instead entered a nest of trash cans (bins). In short, Uri helped them to open the locks which were supposed to be impossible to bust as they were made by Glexia’s top locksmith. It didn’t help that the security guard Glonk was asleep ...
Glonk being disciplined by the management of GSS i.e. Glexian Security Services.
They landed on your earth, split up and positioned themselves in specific places worldwide and using the same serious stand-up comedy, formed groups who then decided to get their followers to fight with rival followers.
They do it to this day.
But I, Benneb, have been awarded the task to help humanity stop acting like a bunch of twats.
We Glexians would like you humans ‘everywhere’ to keep one of these Polar Tischians as a pet. You can go onto www.nasa.com/pet and purchase a pet cage and the weather-safe marquee™ to protect the PT in the bad weather. There is a door in the top where you can drop in the food, foods such as salmon en croute, scrambled quail eggs with truffle shavings, or lobster a la caviar and champagne.
The cage and marquee costs only £2,500.00 if you buy it in the next 24 hours. Offer ends at the end of January.
That advert had nothing to do with Francis Spondulix who is doing a course in Nuddybongo magazine under the heading Pots of Cash.
To capture your pet, just wait until they are making house visits looking for gullible votes. Get your mates round with a large net, and hey presto, you have a pet that will entertain you magnificently by taking the piss. But remember, a pet is for life, not just general election time.
That was the NASA translated report from Benneb, an extra-terrestrial from Glexia.
Please send your order in now by e mail. If you are phoning it in, lines are now open. Calls cost twenty five pounds, 1p of which goes to charity.
PS Cymone Bosanko the scientist at the beginning said ‘my real second name is actually Bozanko. As you can see, I’ve changed the z to an s. This is to protect me as this alien stuff is a very dodgy area and I don’t want to disappear. I therefore changed the letter to keep myself anonymous (it isn’t rocket science is it).
More reports will follow, probably.
A GSS manager
This is Cymone Bodanko again (name changed again for security reasons). I heard something in my back garden the other night, so I pulled back the curtain and took this shot. I think it’s another Glexian species who thinks I’m its pet. I knew they would be onto me! It was using the saucer’s Holoview, a posh, stereo vision periscope i.e. the face is an image floating above the saucer. I’m sorry it’s blurry as not only was I holding the curtain back; I was shitting myself and couldn’t focus the camera.
If you wish to communicate with Cymone Boyanko, please write to
Please be aware
Due to the nature of this subject, it may take up to three years for Cymone Bowanko to reply.
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