When life is getting you down you have the weight of the world on your shoulders and, your heart is breaking, isn’t it wonderful to hear that someone else is worse off than you? Yes, other people’s problems are your relief, just as one man’s muck is another man’s money.
Relationship problems are the juiciest, and if you are feeling yuck because of your partner/spouse’s unbelievable behaviour, is it not absolutely fantastic to find someone who is ready to string themselves up somewhere; their downfall may be ‘your’ salvation. Other people’s problems, especially once again, disastrous relationships, are also as well as relieving to the wounded, very entertaining.
So to either alleviate your crushing pain, Nuddybongo magazine would like to introduce you to not one, but ‘two’ agony relieving professionals, Eunice Babcock, a gifted agony Granny and, Grant, an expert agony uncle; the world’s greatest he said.
We met Eunice 76 at a friends who was holding a barbecue and had invited Eunice for a glass of wine or two. Eunice had brought her psychic dog Barney who likes a good barbie. She told us that Barney helped her with her cases; which we thought was fantastic. Eunice agreed to send us one of her favourite cases, the case of Edward Marriott, and more if we liked it. We received it and all at the magazine thought it very interesting and we realised what an expert Eunice was and how blessed we were to have her contribute.
Unfortunately, Eunice got too depressed to continue after her work partner, her psychic dog Barney was run over and killed by an old lady in a mobility scooter.
Edith Monge was an ex biker rock bitch who morphed into a crazy OAP white haired rock bitch. She got her bike customiser/mechanic boyfriend to fit her scooter with a 1.6 litre Rover 25 Si engine. One Sunday afternoon she went too fast on her morning exercise run (her exercise was hanging on to the souped up scooter for dear life) ...
Barney had wandered into the middle of the road, why was a mystery? Dog suicide? Maybe to mark his territory? He was getting on a bit though, so maybe it was for the best and saved on a vet’s bill for zonking him out. The Coroner’s report said: crazy Edith hit him and he ended up looking like a strawberry jam skid mark on the road. A police spokesman said, “As we were taping off the area, two cheeky crows came and kept pinching parts of the evidence. We usually bag the animal up, put it through a series of forensic tests to determine the cause of death and then sell the gooey mess to a dog food factory or a pork pie factory depending who bids the highest.”
Introducing the wonderful lady who would have been our ‘AGONY GRANNY’
We’re so grateful that Nuddybongo’s friend Eunice would have joined the paper as Agony Granny if Barney hadn’t been trashed, because she would have been so valuable as she had had just so much experience dealing with people’s pain. However, we will give you a little background anyway. Lovely ‘Une’ lives in a spacious, one bedroom flat, on the ground floor of a large block of flats in a city suburb. Her only companion is/was her Labrador cross; he’s called Barney. She says that, “Barney is/was a very psychically sensitive dog, and loves to help me by barking his advice when I’m counselling troubled people.”
Une says she’s got excellent credentials, having worked with a lot of ‘top’ people i.e. those in numbers 127 to 152 (more than four floors up). When she isn’t helping the mentally troubled, Une says she has a little sideline: growing sunflowers in a window box (which is a sight!), and some more specialised plants in her airing cupboard.
Her customer base included some (quite a lot actually) police, a local MP and ministers from at least six different denominations. She says, “locals tell me that the Sunday sermons in all these different churches are ‘something to hear’. Aaaah! I feel so proud to have contributed to such Godly, spiritual, entertainment.”
Here, for your satisfaction, as you are an obviously caring person, is the case Eunice sent us before her disaster, the case of Mr Marriott (enjoy it, but not too much)
Here is my dilemma. As you can see, I made the papers
Perhaps you’ve now managed to read my newspaper cutting I sent you concerning my paint stripper nightmare? My girlfriend who is bigger and stronger than me (like standing a grape next to a melon), accused me of bonking her best mate. I denied it of course; but this didn’t stop her trying to ruin me. What shall I do if she flips again?
Well Edward dear
I’ve thought this one out with Barney, and we both agree that you should take the following action.
First of all, go bonk her friend again; then, when her friend tells her again, and you feel the paint stripper burning recurring; run outside and rub your wee tadger (small penis) all over her car bonnet.
After this vengeful deed, to rid yourself of the pain, try this lotion ...
Lotion recipe ...
Mix one large (duck or goose) eggcup of whisky, one eggcup of brandy, one eggcup of vodka, two eggcups of crème de menthe, and three eggcups of pure polish spirit.
Une and Barney
Trashed the bonnet of her brand new Clio. I then used the lotion, and it made the wound sting even more; I ended up packing it in ice, screaming the whole time. In fact, I woke the street up and the police came a calling. Luckily I’d stopped screaming by then, so they left again to chase BMWs, white van men, and the growing trend of OAPs on souped up mobility scooters ... they were smoking confiscated spliffs in their car too!
What can I do if it happens again?
Well Edward dear
Next time, Barney and myself both agree that you should ...‘down’ the potion in one; which will be sure to take the stinging away, as you’ll hopefully be unconscious.
I do though apologise for the extra pain, but Barney should have said ‘potion’, not ‘lotion’. Yes dear … drink it!
Don’t worry about the Police with the spliffs, it’s pretty normal around here too; helps them smile.
All the best
Une and Barney.
Well, dear Nuddybongoer, if you enjoyed Eunice, maybe you would like to me an amazing agony uncle we knew/know. Agony Grant, as he called himself was, he said, the world’s greatest agony uncle, or we wouldn’t have wanted to hire him. We considered taking him on because, as with Eunice, we only want you our precious reader to experience the best this wonderful world can offer; why would we want to short change you?
Unfortunately, Grant is incapacitated following a little mishap, so we couldn’t have him to sort ‘your’ problems. However, all is not lost and all is available to be gained (ahh, that’s this wonderful life in a nutshell). Grant’s adults only book is available from the wonderful Wonky eBook shop, priced extremely reasonably ... it is doubtful that you will be the same after reading it, should you read it. Bless you if you do.
To Grant's book ADULTS ONLY